I’ve been on a pretty significant journey of self discovery the past few months. I’ve found out some pretty amazing things about me – resourcefulness I didn’t know I had, creativity scratching the surface of my mundane life, and an inner strength I had forgotten .
But today I wait in a doctor’s office wondering if the news we’ll receive will bring the peace that’s been so elusive the past 6 weeks or if a storm like none we’ve ever faced is about to be unleashed.
Know what I’m thinking about? Ice cream. Yep – you read it right. Ice cream.
See – in the past few months I’ve learned something else about myself. I run from hard things. I find it hard to trust that God has my best interests at heart when things get especially hard or unclear. One of the ways I avoid hard things – and giving control to God – is by running to food. That’s been a hard reality to face in my life – and incredibly difficult to admit to God. I play a good Christian role model for students – but on the inside, I have a very hard time practicing what I preach. Giving up complete control to the Only One who has control in the first place can be so freeing – yet it’s so completely and utterly terrifying. What if He screws it up? What if it goes awry? What if I get hurt?
So as I sit here holding her hand and typing with the other and fighting what I know is a spiritual battle waged in my physical body – I am praying that I can rest well in my Father’s capable care. I know He formed us both – knows every hair – created the doctor who is about to deliver the diagnosis and the technology that will determine our next steps. It’s a firmer foundation than ice cream could ever provide and I submit to his capable care and perfect plan. I willingly give up control…right now. Lord, when I’m tempted to find escape in anything else, remind me to run to you. When I look for comfort in places that seldom bring it, remind me that You love me with an endless supply. When I try to stick my head in the sand for fear I’ll be hurt, remind me that you bind all wounds. I know that no matter what comes next, You have what’s best for both of us. I follow you. I give my future to you. I trust the peace, stability and healing you bring today. Remind me to jump on that again the next time Ben & Jerry come calling.