Fat Tuesday: What If This IS Your Ideal Weight?

mzl.ncvjawgv.320x480-75It was an unexpected question.

I was writing an article about weight struggles.  It was a raw, honest piece.  I sat down with the editor for a conversation – and we talked some about the article, its transparency, and my life.  And then he stunned me to silence….not an easy task.

“Darren, what if this IS your ideal weight?”

I knew I had turned a corner because my first thought was NOT “Finally – an excuse to be this unhealthy!!”  In fact, that thought never even crossed my mind.  I think I choked out some version of , “Well….it’s not.  It’s just….not.”

And of course it’s not – while I do enjoy pretty good health for as over-weight as I am, it’s not healthy for anyone to pack around this much additional weight – especially long-term.

What reduced me to ‘blathering’ status was the intended core of the question.  “Are you satisfied with who you are?”  And I couldn’t answer it…because I have allowed my weight to define me.  The question almost seemed to beg “If the weight was no longer the issue, would you be whole?”

I wouldn’t have been then.  But I am now. And it’s been a long journey (and not filled with as many lost pounds as I had hoped).  But being whole really has to be the first step to being healthy.  For most (and for me), losing weight and gaining physical health really just addresses a symptom…and to be whole takes a courageous (and continual) confrontation of deeper disease.

If I were asked the question today?  Nearly 18 months later…and only 25-ish pounds?  No stammering.  No blathering.  No hesitation.  If my weight never changes, I am content in who I am.  (But I’m still intent on losing these remnants of days when I wasn’t so happy with who I am!)   :)

Fat Tuesday: The Scale “Moment of Dread’

bathroom_scale_501780050Well…it’s the moment I have been dreading all summer.

After more than five weeks of travel in less than two months, I have to renew my relationship with the scale.  I’ve spent more than a month eating school cafeteria food, airport quick fixes…and Skittles.  (That’s a long story – but it had to be done.)

Aren’t we funny people.  In my head – my only goal was not to gain anything….knowing that I had easily gained 10 pounds.  BUT INSTEAD I FOUND THAT I LOST THREE POUNDS despite carbs at inopportune times and a supreme lack of edible vegetables.

And instead of being completely elated, I was instantly disappointed that I hadn’t lost more.  OK – wait a minute – didn’t I just say my goal was maintenance?  And didn’t I exceed that goal with a loss?

Yes.  Yes I did.  And I am proud of that – and I am banishing the crazy voices that continually tell me I will never reach my goal weight.  Yes, I will….3 pounds….or 3 ounces….or one small victory at a time.

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