Everyone blogs the cute-sey on Mother’s Day. Know what I mean?
“Mom’s have the hardest job on earth – taxi driver, pediatrician, personal assistant, chef….blah, blah, blah.” Seriously? Have you ever seen a REAL mom, people?! Those silly little job titles – bestowing expertise on our over-worked, under-appreciated moms – do not remotely describe who they really are on any given day. So how about this?
Your mom’s actually a father….a Godfather. At any moment she saws off the head of an unsuspecting horse using only her wooden spoon. She makes up the bed with perfection and a subtle reminder to ‘the boys’ that they better remember who they’re dealing with.
Mom’s probably a mob boss. Except instead of wielding an automatic weapon under the table as we ‘make the drop’, she needs nothing more than a shoe – and when that thing fires, there’s no recovery.
Mom is a bookie. She hedges her bets on each of her children. And if they don’t win, she cooks the books in their favor. I mean, have you ever seen a mom go up against a science teacher? And God-forbid a principal stand in the way…
She’s a cleaner….but not in the way you think. I’m not talking Dysons and SoftScrub. I mean not even a trace of DNA evidence. Someone has to know how to get Orange Crush out of a beige carpet. And if it’ll work on that little carbonated wonder, is there any doubt what she can do with blood spatter?
Think ‘The Closer’ for just two seconds. If you’ve ever been anywhere in a vehicle with your mom in the front and all your siblings in the back, you know what I’m describing. She can settle a debate without knowing any of the finer points of argument. She can shut down a fight with a mere glance into the rear view. And with a single word, she becomes judge, jury – and if need be – executioner. And you listen – because you aren’t entirely sure she WON’T turn the car around. And if she ever does, where would your body end up?
So please, people. Let’s stop honoring mom with flowers and candy a blog posts about how girly-wonderful she is.
Mom’s a force. She’ll kick your soccer ball and watch you cry – she won’t apologize – and you’ll be better for it.
And I would like to take this small opportunity to say thank you to my wife. She has always been the Chuck Norris of moms – our boys are fortunate. Betty Crocker can stay home today. Katie’s on the job. I bet your mom is, too.